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Saw them dancing in your eyesLike shadows in the nightDoing pirouettes around the starsWe were running in a hazeI remember every shadeIn my veins and they shot up sparks
Atmosphere, 2014

Saw them dancing in your eyes
Like shadows in the night
Doing pirouettes around the stars
We were running in a haze
I remember every shade
In my veins and they shot up sparks

Atmosphere, 2014

Anonymous
how do you want to be loved?
Me

In all the relationships I’ve been in, I’ve never been asked how I want to be loved. I’m sitting on Mega bus right now, in a somber mood, and I have The Staves playing on repeat as it rains outside. I think it’s time I sit back and think about this question.

I’ve been in loved in many different ways: unconditionally, greedily, cautiously… but never have I been loved equally

When I was loved unconditionally, I longed for solitude. I was ripe with power and I abused it. He would follow my heartbeat to the ends of the earth, and then some, without a second thought. It was terrifying. No person should have that much influence. 

When I was loved greedily, the sex was abundant. We were ravenous for each other. But, his absence left me craving. I lead myself to believe it was desire to be with him – however I discovered, it was not desire, nor lust, but it was a yearning to be wanted, one that was never satisfied. He left me a shell. I lost myself in him. Being loved with greed is not love; it is selfishness. It is the epitome of hate. You cannot love someone when greed wrecks havoc on your heart. You will rip apart their heart.

When I was loved cautiously, I found solstice in the smallest sign of commitment. I searched his eyes desperately for the reflection of my love, and convinced myself that same love was simply buried beneath a couple brick walls. I destroyed my morals in efforts to please him, only to regret having offered him my fragile heart. That love was a swift cruel thief.

I want to be loved equally, passionately, and compassionately. I don’t want a painful romance, I want easy. I want clean and not dramatic.

I want someone to sing along to songs with me – giving them each a new meaning. I want someone who remembers my favorite flower and buys them for me when I least expect it. I want someone who will match my affection, who won’t battle me to care more, and someone who will understand that sometimes I disappear.

I’m not looking for a fairytale romance, or a teenage dream. I’m looking for a realistic relationship that will last me well into my 20’s. Someone who loves me enough to work together to build a future we both create.

I think I just want someone who equally loves me and tolerates me, and somewhere along the line – has me figured out. 

I just got fired.

I’ve never been fired. And of course they didn’t have the decency to tell me why, other than, “We just don’t think you’re the right fit for the office.” I’ve never had this many things add up in the course of 2 weeks. I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m suffocating. 

I’ve bought my ticket for the bus. I’m leaving tonight.

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