In all the relationships I’ve been in, I’ve never been asked how I want to be loved. I’m sitting on Mega bus right now, in a somber mood, and I have The Staves playing on repeat as it rains outside. I think it’s time I sit back and think about this question.
I’ve been in loved in many different ways: unconditionally, greedily, cautiously… but never have I been loved equally.
When I was loved unconditionally, I longed for solitude. I was ripe with power and I abused it. He would follow my heartbeat to the ends of the earth, and then some, without a second thought. It was terrifying. No person should have that much influence.
When I was loved greedily, the sex was abundant. We were ravenous for each other. But, his absence left me craving. I lead myself to believe it was desire to be with him – however I discovered, it was not desire, nor lust, but it was a yearning to be wanted, one that was never satisfied. He left me a shell. I lost myself in him. Being loved with greed is not love; it is selfishness. It is the epitome of hate. You cannot love someone when greed wrecks havoc on your heart. You will rip apart their heart.
When I was loved cautiously, I found solstice in the smallest sign of commitment. I searched his eyes desperately for the reflection of my love, and convinced myself that same love was simply buried beneath a couple brick walls. I destroyed my morals in efforts to please him, only to regret having offered him my fragile heart. That love was a swift cruel thief.
I want to be loved equally, passionately, and compassionately. I don’t want a painful romance, I want easy. I want clean and not dramatic.
I want someone to sing along to songs with me – giving them each a new meaning. I want someone who remembers my favorite flower and buys them for me when I least expect it. I want someone who will match my affection, who won’t battle me to care more, and someone who will understand that sometimes I disappear.
I’m not looking for a fairytale romance, or a teenage dream. I’m looking for a realistic relationship that will last me well into my 20’s. Someone who loves me enough to work together to build a future we both create.
I think I just want someone who equally loves me and tolerates me, and somewhere along the line – has me figured out.